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| You have been drawn towards: Home > News | 19th March |
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 Guantanamo Bay interpreters suspected of Comical Ali influence 7 Oct 2003 by Malcolm Drury Embarrassed White House and Pentagon officials are scrambling to assess whether or not interpreters at their Guantanamo Bay prison camp wilfully falsified translations of interrogations of their alleged al-Qaeda and Taliban guests, DeadBrain has learned. The suspicions came to light when it was discovered at least that one of the interpreters may be a former member of the staff of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, also known as Comical Ali, the former chief PR officer for failed dictator Saddam Hussein™. When interrogation reports prepared by the unidentified interpreter were examined they were found to contain statements such as "The Great Satan's troops were thoroughly routed in Afghanistan and Iraq" and "George Bush wears Winnie the Pooh underwear". CIA specialists trained in assessing stylistic nuances believe that that is highly characteristic of Mr al-Sahaf, which leads them to suspect a link between him and the interpreter. Mr al-Sahaf is known to have had a number of underlings whom he had moulded to his own style. The specialists suspect that the interpreter dropped his own statements into the translations, thereby casting doubt on their entire content. If confirmed, the finding means that many of the prisoners may have to be re-interviewed, thus prolonging their stay at the Bay even further. It adds further to the embarrassment the US administration faces after a number of alleged spies, including a Muslim chaplain, were uncovered at the Guantanamo facility. Apprised of the development, President "Boy" George W. Bush is reported to have strenuously denied wearing Winnie the Pooh underwear and to have asked why reliable people who spoke Iraqish and Afghanistanian couldn't be found. Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld is said to have been incensed on learning the news. A Pentagon aide, speaking on condition of anonymity, told our reporter that Mr Rumsfeld had gone into a rage and threatened to "bomb to kingdom come" anybody else who got in his way. "We eventually got him calmed down," said the aide, "but not before he'd bitten the heads off a bunch of chrysanthemums and destroyed a really nice coffee table that Tony Blair had given him." The aide went on to explain that the interpreters themselves would now need to be interrogated, but noted that if they chose not to speak English, the question would be who would interpret what they said. "We do have some trainee interpreters who have been studying Arabic," he said, "but for the past several months they have been pretty well fully occupied interpreting what the President says, so they might not really be up to speed. It looks like the only option will be for us to liberate another Arab country and try to find somebody reliable there." Related Articles White House sacks Bush speechwriters after poor UN performance 24 Sep 2003 Branson considering Iraq bid 22 Sep 2003 In Brief: Leaders find common ground in Iraq talks 20 Sep 2003 Cheney look-alike blames Saddam Hussein™ for everything 17 Sep 2003 US seeks alternative financing for its occupation of Iraq 5 Sep 2003 US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert 2 August 2003
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