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Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch
25 Jul 2003 by Malcolm Drury
With international criminal and failed dictator Saddam Hussein™ still on the run, and still with no indication of where he is, the Anglo-American liberation of Iraq earlier this year is to be re-staged for a special edition of the BBC television programme "Crimewatch", to be aired on Iraqi television, DeadBrain has learned. Encouraged by the apparent demise of two of his sons, the hopes are that the reconstruction will jog the memories of the Iraqi people regarding the movements and whereabouts of Mr. Saddam following the last known sightings of him just prior to the fall of Baghdad.
The scheme was announced by British army spokesman Brigadier-General Sir Douglas Noseworthy-Ramsbottom MBE at a press conference at the Ministry of Defence in London this morning.
"We've been there for several months now, by Jove," he said, "and there's still no sign of the bounder. We have the soldiers still there so logistically the re-enactment will not be difficult. Of course, we'll be doing it in concert with our American partners, if they wish, but it will be British-led though and through. The BBC will be providing the technical television side of things and we'll be providing the troops and ammo, and doing the make up and catering."
Asked if live ammunition would be used, the Brigadier-General said that obviously it would. "Wouldn't be authentic without it, don't you know," he said, twirling his expansive moustache.
"We will be taking a bit of artistic licence," he admitted, "in that we'll be speeding the process up somewhat - compressing events, I mean. The Crimewatch special will only last half an hour so we have to."
Nick Ross, co-presenter of Crimewatch, told our reporter that this would be the biggest challenge the programme has faced in its almost 20 year history, but that he was confident that it would succeed. "Fiona [Bruce] and I are delighted to have this opportunity to participate," he said. "We're really looking forward to maybe being part of the team that leads to Saddam's capture. And the $25 million reward really doesn't enter into it. It's our public duty."
Upon learning of this British initiative US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld is reported to have been incensed, turning white with rage, jumping onto his desk, biting his lapel and screaming "Those gosh darn limeys better understand who's running this show! There's no way our brave American boys will be taking part!"
A spokesman for the British Defence Secretary, Geoff "Buff" Hoon, told us he thought this was just sour grapes because the Americans didn't think of it first.
In related news, two American television networks are believed to be negotiating with Pentagon officials for television rights. It is understood that CBS Television wishes to do a "Survivor: Tikrit" series, and the Fox Network is thought to be interested in obtaining military footage for a series of "reality TV" programmes, including "When Mortar Attacks Go Wrong" and "World's Worst Tank Drivers".
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