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| You are sitting on: Home > News | 19th March |
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 Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device 18 Jul 2003 by Malcolm Drury US President "Boy" George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair continued to insist that Iraq has - or had - chemical and biological weapons, and quite possibly a nuclear programme. Speaking at their recent joint press conference at the White House, both reaffirmed their confidence that the weapons will eventually be found. However, the ongoing spectacular failure of US and British troops in Iraq to actually find the weapons is a source of embarrassment to both leaders. That failure may have a surprising and simple explanation, according to Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III. "We are absolutely convinced that Iraq developed biological and chemical weapons - the evidence and intelligence is simply overwhelming," Mr. Ramsbottom III said at a press conference earlier today, "but it is perplexing that we have not yet been able to find any. We did think we'd found one type of WMD but it turned out to be a hoax, probably perpetrated by the French." "But new CIA intelligence has indicated that Saddam Hussein™ is a great fan of Star Trek," he went on, "and we now believe he was inspired by that to develop a cloaking device. We can't think of anything else to explain why we can't find the WMD that we are just certain are there. It has to be some kind of technology that we don't know about." "Remember," he continued, "the Middle East is an area that has historically developed technologies that the West still does not have, such as flying carpets." Asked what measures the US government proposed to deal with this unexpected development Mr. Ramsbottom III dodged the question, citing security concerns, but indicated that action would indeed be taken. However, later in the day US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld was more forthcoming. "Are we going to sit back and do nothing?" he asked reporters rhetorically. "Of course not", he answered, not rhetorically. "The President has instructed our top scientists to begin work at once on a US cloaking device programme, with a high priority on finding a way to defeat Iraq's cloaking device. Good grief, the USA can't allow a cloaking device gap! Or a flying carpet gap." "Oh, and those cheese-eating Frenchies had better not mess with us again," he added, meaningfully. DeadBrain asked Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the University of Bootle for his assessment of the possibility of cloaking devices. "Why not?" he said, "anything is possible in the field of hyper quantum dynamics. It's what we call the Strawberry Fields effect - nothing is real, the logical converse of which is everything is unreal. Who can tell, a cloaking device might just be the intersection of reality and unreality." "Certainly, Israel has very successfully hidden its weapons of mass destruction, including its nuclear capability," he added, "so some form of cloaking device seems to be well within the realms of possibility." Related articles Baghdad cat gets stuck up tree 11 Apr 2007
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Hoon asks Iraqis not to shoot back22 Oct 2004
Comical Ali implicated in Allawi speech24 Sep 2004
Exclusive: Tape casts doubt on Bush's "no torture" claims24 Jun 2004
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Plans for new Bush statue to replace Saddam ruin in Baghdad25 Apr 2004
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One week on: Top 10 options for Saddam22 Dec 2003 Bush hails downfall of Sauron, asks for UN aid for Mordor reconstruction 15 Dec 2003 Bush: Ever noticed how all evil people have beards? 14 Dec 2003 17:53 Tony Blair's reaction to Saddam Hussein's capture 14 Dec 2003 14:46 Coalition: Saddam captured, will never buy weapons from us again 14 Dec 2003 Bush, Rumsfeld in Halloween video campaign for Iraqi war effort 30 Oct 2003 Bush appeals directly to Europeans for Iraq aid 16 Oct 2003 Bush upset over Nobel Peace Prize, promises "decisive action" 10 Oct 2003 Guantanamo Bay interpreters suspected of Comical Ali influence 7 Oct 2003 White House sacks Bush speechwriters after poor UN performance 24 Sep 2003 Branson considering Iraq bid 22 Sep 2003 In Brief: Leaders find common ground in Iraq talks 20 Sep 2003 Cheney look-alike blames Saddam Hussein™ for everything 17 Sep 2003 US seeks alternative financing for its occupation of Iraq 5 Sep 2003 US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert 2 August 2003 Bush and officials to take turns accepting blame for bogus uranium claim 31 July 2003 Comical Ali: Blair's son is dead 29 Jul 2003 Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch 25 Jul 2003 Comical Ali: Saddam's sons are not dead 23 Jul 2003 Blair's forged Iraq documents may have been forged forgeries 21 Jul 2003 Satire site found guilty of fabricating war report 21 Jul 2003 Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device 18 Jul 2003 Parliament approves hunting for WMD with hounds 16 Jul 2003 Saddam Hussein™ offers $10 million reward for Cheney 10 Jul 2003 MPs clear BBC in Iraq dossier row 7 Jul 2003 U.S. prepares ground for more liberations 6 Jul 2003 Saddam Hussein to feature in next Harry Potter novel 27 Jun 2003 Bush and Rumsfeld in card game spat 25 Jun 2003 Rumsfeld outraged at Satirists' Guild, threatens "forceful action" 23 Jun 2003 Satirists Guild calls for halt on WMD stories 22 Jun 2003 New fabricated intelligence dossier proves everything 20 Jun 2003 Greenstock appointed to Iraq post; rest of world couldn't care less 19 Jun 2003
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