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|Buckingham Palace "unhappy" with Bean monarchy report
16 Jul 2003 by Malcolm Drury
A Buckingham Palace official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, has informed our royal correspondent, Queen Douglas of Bulgaria, that several members of the Royal Family are unhappy with the report on the future of the British monarchy prepared by Mr. Bean.
The report suggests sweeping changes designed to modernise the institution, which has seen little change since Charles I had a slight altercation with Parliament over 300 years ago. Among its recommendations are that the monarch be allowed to retire and that the royals should pay inheritance tax.
Mr. Bean, the well-known television and film personality, released the report without comment, refusing to answer reporters' questions and quickly driving off in his mini.
Prince Philip is apparently particularly upset, reportedly saying that "that little sod Bean should get his finger out and mind his own business - if he doesn't like it here he can bugger off to Australia or somewhere. We can't afford to retire. That fire at Windsor cost us a bundle and we're still paying for the new telly."
Prince Edward, actor and film producer, is said to have expressed his disappointment in Mr. Bean, who appears to have been a role model. "I would have loved to have worked with him in film or on television," he is reported to have said, "but now he's upset mummy so I don't think that's going to happen."
Prince Charles is apparently alarmed by the possibility of having to pay inheritance tax, telling a confidant that the revenues from his organic gardening projects are not as good as they might be and that things are a bit tight financially as neither of the kids has a job yet to help out, and adding that he might have to give up polo.
The cheery Prince Harry, who recently left Hogwarts, where he was known to be a great fan of Mr. Bean, seems to be the only member of the family who is not upset by the report.
Upon being told of the Royal Family's displeasure, Mr. Bean merely gave a quizzical look and responded with one of his trademark sighs.