| | Michael Jackson fails to convince world he is not a virgin
15 Jul 2003 by stcrispin
A spokesperson for pop performer Michael Jackson today acknowledged that he has failed in his effort to jump-start his star-crossed career by hitching a ride on the celebrity celibacy abandonment bandwagon. Apparently hoping to garner the same sort of publicity given to Britney Spears' revelation that she is no longer a virgin, Mr. Jackson made an identical disclosure the following day, but with very different results.
Ms. Spears' announcement that she had sex with former boyfriend Justin Timberlake was greeted with shock and horror by parents of teenage girls throughout the world and by widespread revulsion on the part of everyone familiar with the physical appearance, personality, and musical talent of Mr. Timberlake. It also goosed, as it were, sales of her CDs.
The public reaction to Mr. Jackson's claim to sexual experience was more subdued, however, and could perhaps best be described as one of stunned disbelief. The fact that so many people continue to insist that he is a virgin is particularly remarkable when one considers his notoriety as a father who regularly enjoys entertaining his infant son by dangling him out the windows of tall buildings.
Jackson spokesperson Linda Farrago was quoted as saying that most of Mr. Jackson's fans believe that he found his son under a cabbage leaf, a view that some insiders have confirmed is consistent with that of Mr. Jackson himself. The remaining fans believe that his son arrived on an alien spacecraft similar to the one that had previously delivered Mr. Jackson.
According to Ms. Farrago, "When Michael saw the way people picked up on the Britney story, he sort of rethought things and realized, 'hey, I've had sex. I should let people know and they'll start buying my 8-tracks again.'" Unhappily for Mr. Jackson, no one took his claim seriously. The results of numerous polls show that the vast majority of people simply refuse to believe it. Indeed, a special poll conducted by the Vatican News Service showed that the over 90% of the College of Cardinals ranked Mr. Jackson No. 1 on the list of "Persons Most Likely to Have Remained Chaste", edging out not only the Virgin Mary (No. 3), but Gary Coleman (No. 2).
Ms. Farrago was philosophical about the public relations failure. "People have this idea about Michael that is kind of hard to shake. They can't imagine him having sex with anyone, and they definitely can't imagine anyone else having sex with him. And it's so unfair. I mean, God, if he were still a black man, at least we might get Klansmen to believe it, but now we've got nobody."
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