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 Cheney sighted in Virginia, still alive - maybe
The continuing mystery surrounding the whereabouts of the US Vice-President grew more mysterious today after an alleged sighting. Billy-Bob "Billy-Bob" Ramsbottom, a rodent control engineer and part-time banjo player from Foggy Hollow, Virginia, claims to have seen Dick "Head" Cheney at a hot dog stand in nearby Possum Springs, eating a jumbo special with chilli and double cheese, and talking to Elvis. Rumours have been widespread that Mr. Cheney has been missing, and allegedly in hiding, for several months, especially after he failed to show up to host a special edition of "Who wants to be a millionaire?".

"I done seen him standing there large as life," said Billy-Bob. "I seen his picture in the paper an' I swear it was him alright. Course'n, he'd changed his appearance somewhat - growed a moustache and got a wig, with hair like them there Rastafarians, but I knowed it was him. He was offerin' Elvis a contract to play Eye-raq."

Becky-Sue Ramsbottom, mayor of Foggy Hollow and Billy-Bob's cousin, told reporters: "Billy-Bob's not the brightest card in the deck so he might-a been mistook. What would Elvis be doin' in Possum Springs? Ain't nothing there but a hot dog stand and the possum museum."

Approached by reporters, White House officials denied that Mr. Cheney was missing, but was simply working from a secure place outside Washington, and indicated that they would be asking the CIA to "have a long talk" with Mr. Ramsbottom as soon as the effects of the moonshine had worn off him.

Oi, down here!

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