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The Euro Debate

UK to renounce decimal currency, revert to £sd
Gordon Brown announced his decision on whether Britain is ready to adopt the euro this afternoon, but it was not what the Chancellor said, rather what he left unsaid, that is of real interest. DeadBrain has learned that the government's decision not to adopt the common currency until the key economic tests have been met has a twist.

A reliable government source told our reporter, after five pints at the "Cock and Bull", that not only will Britain never, in fact, adopt the euro but it will turn its back on decimal currency and the entire metric system altogether, and revert to the former imperial system of currency, weights and measures.

"Just because the continentals can't do elementary mental arithmetic unless it's all in tens doesn't mean that we can't," he said. "There is nothing wrong with the good old system of pounds, shillings and pence, stones, pounds and ounces, yards, feet and inches. It's what made Britain great, and set us apart from the rest of Europe. It's time to go back to it. After all, we have resisted embracing their bizarre habit driving on the wrong side of the road. Well, most of us, at least. Most of the time."

"The government needs time to plan for this switch back to the imperial system," he added, "and that's why the Chancellor is still talking about the euro."

When asked what the cost of four yards, two feet and six inches of lino at £1 19s 6d a yard would be, the source excused himself, saying nature called, and did not return.

Our reporter asked Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the Department of Economics and Astrology at the University of Bootle to explain what reverting to the old money system would mean to the general public.

"Well, if you consider Keynesian theory and apply the Finkelburg effect, you will notice that the normal distribution of fiscal dividends could indicate a potential opportunity cost barrier to economic growth," he said. The Professor continued in a similar vein for some time, but when our reporter awoke and noticed that it was opening time he made his excuses and left.

When asked to comment, alleged Tory leader Iain Duncan "Smith" said: "This is a step backwards in the right direction. I think. Or maybe not."

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