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Battle for Survival

IDS "bad for health" claims report
A new report issued by Conservative Central Office claims that drinking too much IDS can have a negative effect on the Conservative Party's health. In fact, says the report, even after MPs think he has disappeared from all media he can still be doing serious damage to the body politic.

Scientists have spent eighteen months studying the effect of prolonged exposure to IDS on the brain. In most adults it produces only slight boredom, but even in small doses this can cause serious disaffection from politics. In some it can stimulate the recognition centres of the brain. Such people - highly unusual and gifted individuals - can "identify" IDS when watching TV or reading newspapers.

In others it can deaden response times and dampen enthusiasm for life. These people, known as "Tory MPs", are the most at-risk community. At first exposure to IDS causes spontaneous outbursts of loyalty when a job might be in the offing, followed by spluttering, incoherent defences of his record. The next stage is to laugh off interviewers' questions. They can eventually become delusional, babbling about elections and Conservative governments.

IDS can be cured with polls, it is claimed, but in trials no effect has been noted. Some alternatives have been muted, including Portillo, Howard and Davis, but all are unpleasant in taste and come with nasty side-effects.

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