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After Saddam

Iraq loses "Most Evil Nation" status, faces relegation
Pentagon spokesman Elmer K Ramsbottom III said today that following its home loss to the USA, Iraq has forfeited its coveted spot at the top of the Axis of Evil (AOE) premier Most Evil Nation division and faces relegation. A final relegation decision will not be made until it can be confirmed whether or not the Iraqi team possessed weapons of mass destruction, of which there is lingering doubt. "If we don't find WMDs, Iraq will be relegated to the Somewhat Evil division; if they are found relegation would only be to the Quite Evil division," explained Mr. Ramsbottom III.

North Korea now takes over the number one spot in the premier division, and Iran jumps to second place. According to Mr. Ramsbottom III, Syria, under the firm leadership of its captain, striker Bashar al-Assad, is poised for jumping to the number three spot. Other nations under consideration by the Pentagon for promotion from their current divisions include Zimbabwe, France and Germany.

"It's been a good season," said Mr. Ramsbottom III, "and all the teams played well, but there are always standings adjustments at the end of the season. Iraq should not be disheartened."

The Iraqi team's spokesman, defender "Comical" Ali, said later that the team was not in fact beaten by the Americans, but had merely staged a strategic withdrawal from the competition. He added that it is currently regrouping and training, under the direction of its captain, forward, winger and defender Saddam Hussein, ready for a comeback attempt next season.

Meanwhile, the White House has issued an invitation for applications for admission to the AOE. Having recently successfully added Cuba and Libya, Secretary of Offence Donald Rumsfeld said that further expansion of the axis was now appropriate. "We know that there are lots of other countries with weapons of mass destruction and links to al-Qaeda," he said, "and we would be very pleased to have them in the AOE. The only conditions are that the country must be demonstrably evil, within striking distance of US bombers, and preferably have substantial oil resources."

An unidentified White House spokesman, speaking on conditions of anonymity, later added that two other conditions are that President "Boy" George W Bush must be able to pronounce the name of the applicant country, and find it on a map. "Azerbaijan and Burkina Faso need not apply," he added.

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