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| You have been flattened by: Home > News | 20th May |
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 Iraq loses "Most Evil Nation" status, faces relegation 12 May 2003 by Malcolm Drury Pentagon spokesman Elmer K Ramsbottom III said today that following its home loss to the USA, Iraq has forfeited its coveted spot at the top of the Axis of Evil (AOE) premier Most Evil Nation division and faces relegation. A final relegation decision will not be made until it can be confirmed whether or not the Iraqi team possessed weapons of mass destruction, of which there is lingering doubt. "If we don't find WMDs, Iraq will be relegated to the Somewhat Evil division; if they are found relegation would only be to the Quite Evil division," explained Mr. Ramsbottom III. North Korea now takes over the number one spot in the premier division, and Iran jumps to second place. According to Mr. Ramsbottom III, Syria, under the firm leadership of its captain, striker Bashar al-Assad, is poised for jumping to the number three spot. Other nations under consideration by the Pentagon for promotion from their current divisions include Zimbabwe, France and Germany. "It's been a good season," said Mr. Ramsbottom III, "and all the teams played well, but there are always standings adjustments at the end of the season. Iraq should not be disheartened." The Iraqi team's spokesman, defender "Comical" Ali, said later that the team was not in fact beaten by the Americans, but had merely staged a strategic withdrawal from the competition. He added that it is currently regrouping and training, under the direction of its captain, forward, winger and defender Saddam Hussein, ready for a comeback attempt next season. Meanwhile, the White House has issued an invitation for applications for admission to the AOE. Having recently successfully added Cuba and Libya, Secretary of Offence Donald Rumsfeld said that further expansion of the axis was now appropriate. "We know that there are lots of other countries with weapons of mass destruction and links to al-Qaeda," he said, "and we would be very pleased to have them in the AOE. The only conditions are that the country must be demonstrably evil, within striking distance of US bombers, and preferably have substantial oil resources." An unidentified White House spokesman, speaking on conditions of anonymity, later added that two other conditions are that President "Boy" George W Bush must be able to pronounce the name of the applicant country, and find it on a map. "Azerbaijan and Burkina Faso need not apply," he added. Related articles Baghdad cat gets stuck up tree 11 Apr 2007
Democrats propose "cap and trade" scheme for Iraq troop levels26 Jan 2007
BREAKING NOOSE: Saddam execution - special 40-page colour souvenir only in today's Sun!2 Jan 2007
Iraq war suffers summer slump as ratings 'bomb'14 Aug 2006
Al-Zarqawi killed by blast injuries - shock12 Jun 2006
Suicide attacks in Iraq kill 37 – population critical12 May 2006
Prince Harry Potter will go to Iraq: MoD24 Apr 2006
Saddam Hussein re-instated as President of Iraq18 Feb 2006
Typo ends British army presence in Iraq4 Jan 2006
Iraq wakes up to new 'Sunni Delight' drink20 Jul 2005
US Marines surround Bethnal Green6 May 2005
US to search for WMDs in Iraq1 Feb 2005
Abuse tolerance zones planned for British soldiers27 Jan 2005
Al-Zarqawi "kicked" from Iraqi militant website25 Nov 2004
Hoon asks Iraqis not to shoot back22 Oct 2004
Comical Ali implicated in Allawi speech24 Sep 2004
Exclusive: Tape casts doubt on Bush's "no torture" claims24 Jun 2004
Bush declassifies personal shopping list, proves did not order torture23 Jun 2004
MoD considers adequate equipment supply for British troops8 Jun 2004
New Iraq puppet government: Sooty in charge2 Jun 2004
UK troop deployment not related to election; Pope's religion questioned30 May 2004
Plans for new Bush statue to replace Saddam ruin in Baghdad25 Apr 2004
Secret US plan to turn Iraq over to Halliburton uncovered20 Apr 2004
Saddam Hussein promises Iraq truce in return for release15 Apr 2004
Pentagon hires Comical Ali to head Iraq PR9 Apr 2004
US to withdraw from Iraq, start again8 Apr 2004
One week on: Top 10 options for Saddam22 Dec 2003 Bush hails downfall of Sauron, asks for UN aid for Mordor reconstruction 15 Dec 2003 Bush: Ever noticed how all evil people have beards? 14 Dec 2003 17:53 Tony Blair's reaction to Saddam Hussein's capture 14 Dec 2003 14:46 Coalition: Saddam captured, will never buy weapons from us again 14 Dec 2003 Bush, Rumsfeld in Halloween video campaign for Iraqi war effort 30 Oct 2003 Bush appeals directly to Europeans for Iraq aid 16 Oct 2003 Bush upset over Nobel Peace Prize, promises "decisive action" 10 Oct 2003 Guantanamo Bay interpreters suspected of Comical Ali influence 7 Oct 2003 White House sacks Bush speechwriters after poor UN performance 24 Sep 2003 Branson considering Iraq bid 22 Sep 2003 In Brief: Leaders find common ground in Iraq talks 20 Sep 2003 Cheney look-alike blames Saddam Hussein™ for everything 17 Sep 2003 US seeks alternative financing for its occupation of Iraq 5 Sep 2003 US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert 2 August 2003 Bush and officials to take turns accepting blame for bogus uranium claim 31 July 2003 Comical Ali: Blair's son is dead 29 Jul 2003 Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch 25 Jul 2003 Comical Ali: Saddam's sons are not dead 23 Jul 2003 Blair's forged Iraq documents may have been forged forgeries 21 Jul 2003 Satire site found guilty of fabricating war report 21 Jul 2003 Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device 18 Jul 2003 Parliament approves hunting for WMD with hounds 16 Jul 2003 Saddam Hussein™ offers $10 million reward for Cheney 10 Jul 2003 MPs clear BBC in Iraq dossier row 7 Jul 2003 U.S. prepares ground for more liberations 6 Jul 2003 Saddam Hussein to feature in next Harry Potter novel 27 Jun 2003 Bush and Rumsfeld in card game spat 25 Jun 2003 Rumsfeld outraged at Satirists' Guild, threatens "forceful action" 23 Jun 2003 Satirists Guild calls for halt on WMD stories 22 Jun 2003 New fabricated intelligence dossier proves everything 20 Jun 2003 Greenstock appointed to Iraq post; rest of world couldn't care less 19 Jun 2003
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