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Battle for Survival

IDS - "a real threat to government"
The Conservative Party is "a real threat to government", the party's "leader" has said. Speaking on the BBC's Politics Show yesterday, Iain Duncan Smith warned that the government's position was not safe. "At this moment in time we have scores of well-trained ninjas ready to launch assaults on Labour MPs' seats across Britain," he explained. "We also have a potentially lethal collection of hair pieces, walking canes and probably Ken Clarke's Hushpuppies, but he's getting back to me on that one. We're not the nasty party, but the government should be scared of us."

Political commentators agree that the Conservatives are a danger to government. "If this lot get in we've had it," wrote one Guardian columnist. "Never mind a threat to the government – they're a threat to the entire country."

In a separate interview, the government warned the Conservative Party it won't have an easy ride. "John Prescott packs a pretty mean punch, as we saw in the last general election," said party chairman Ian McCartney. "The Prime Minister himself is rather good at tennis and Dr John Reid used to work as a part-time assassin for MI6, so we've got it covered."

The Liberal Democrats also stressed that the government could expect a fight from them too. "William Hague had his kung fu, John Prescott's got his boxing, Iain Duncan Smith has his …er… yes, but Charles Kennedy is trained in the ancient Japanese art of origami," cautioned Alan Beith. "He's a whiz with the paper planes, and with a paperclip payload he could easily blind someone in seconds. Especially if there's a crosswind."

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said that they would be watching all parties carefully. The debate on which party is hardest was meanwhile called off when some of the Northern Irish parties got involved, brandishing homemade coshes and Molotov cocktails.

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