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Local Elections 2003

New Tory information minister hails election victory
The Conservative Party has claimed victory in "the mother of all local election battles". Winning "a staggering" 35% of the vote, compared to Labour and the Liberal Democrats' "abysmally low" 30% of the vote, the Conservative "leader" hailed the result as "fantastic".

"This is a spectacular result for the Conservative Party," said Iain Duncan Smith. "We really kicked some bottom last night, and I'm not bullshitting about that either. We are so going to win the next general election. Tony Blair will be shaking in his plimsolls right now."

The Prime Minister's ever-loyal official spokesman said that he "isn't shaking, but any shaking would be down to stress or alcoholism, not Casper the friendly ghost over there".

In total, the Conservatives gained 807 seats - fewer than the 1,300 gained under William Hague and made no significant gains in Scotland and Wales, meaning that they are still the third party there. Despite the gains made in the last local elections by Mr Hague, the party still crashed to a massive defeat in the general election two years later.

The party's new official spokesman, former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, was perhaps the most optimistic to comment. Although still learning the ins and outs of the British political system, Mr Sahaf was able to say that the Conservative Party would never surrender, the Liberal Democrat infidels would be crushed and Labour voters were committing suicide on the doorstep of Conservative Central office.

Political commentators agree that the result is surprisingly positive for the Tories. "IDS is so crap I thought they'd go backwards," said Guardian columnist Douglas Ramsbottom. "Any gains are a big achievement for him."

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