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After Saddam

Saddam's WMDs stolen, recovered near Manchester toilet
The British Foreign Secretary, Jack Straw, unveiled startling new evidence about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction today. Speaking to a committee of MPs, Mr Straw set out what progress had been achieved.

"Over this last weekend, we have found convincing evidence of Saddam's weapons programme," he began. "As you may know from media reports, we had encountered some difficulties finding these weapons, but I am happy to say that they have been resolved with a single anonymous phone call. A large section of Saddam's massive chemical and biological arsenal has been discovered and will shortly be put beyond use."

Mr Straw went on to explain how pranksters had stolen many of Saddam's weapons during the 1990s in order to test the regime's security and its opponents' intelligence. The criminals were apparently not malicious, however, and returned the weapons to the coalition outside a disused public toilet in Manchester on Sunday night.

Police say that little damage has been done to the weapons, which were discovered in a cardboard tube. A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence meanwhile denied that the public had been at risk from having a large arms cache in the middle of a major city.

"The weapons we found were faulty and would have done little damage if used," said Lt Col Douglas Ramsbottom. "Saddam did buy them from us after all."

Meanwhile, in Iraq, military experts sent from the Pentagon say they have located a "significant quantity" of WMDs. "Now the war is over it has become much easier to find the weapons that the military would have used," said press officer Gregory T Mullet. "A significant quantity of weapons was found in Baghdad and these later exploded, killing several Iraqi civilians. This just goes to show how ruthless the regime was. That they were our weapons is irrelevant."

Further quantities of WMDs are expected to be found at US army bases around the country in the near future.

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