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Dubya's War

Bush bored with Iraq, declares war on France
France is in a state of shock tonight after the United States-led coalition against Saddam Hussein suddenly and without warning declared war on her. In one of the most extraordinary speeches made by a head of state since Margaret Thatcher admitted to a Conservative Party conference that she was "as mad as a very mad old mad bat", President Bush told journalists that the war with Iraq had become "boring".

"Look, I mean we're not getting anywhere fast now, we've got refugees all over the shop, the humanitarian aid's gone tits-up, we're still nowhere near capturing Baghdad… To be frank, I'm bored with the whole thing," he said in a joint press conference with an increasingly alarmed Tony Blair. "That's why I say we take on France instead. They must have done some bad things in their time, and it's not like we haven't been there before."

Speaking after President Bush, Tony Blair struggled to back his ally's new hard-line policy on France. "Obviously I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with my friend and ally, President Bush," he said, shaking slightly. "And, er, naturally I, er, agree that something must be done about France's lack of cooperation with the international community, but I'm sure we will both want to take this matter up with the UN in the first instance.

President Bush was heard to add "like hell we will" under his breath after Mr Blair's last remark.

Official White House spokesman Ari Fleischer later "clarified" the President's comments. Looking extremely harassed and with beads of sweat running down his face, Mr Fleischer mumbled something about logical progressions, the Axis of Evil and "brutal dictators" before collapsing into a chair.

The reaction in France, meanwhile, has been equally chaotic. President Chirac has reportedly ordered an "impregnable" line of defensive positions to be assembled along the border with Germany "just in case", rifles have been issued to some Parisians and anti-aircraft batteries are being set up around key cities.

An unequivocal surrender is expected to follow within weeks.

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