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| You are lounging next to: Home > News | 4th July |
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| Bush: Canada has "weapons of moose distraction" 15 Mar 2003 by Guy A new diplomatic crisis emerged today when American President George Bush announced that his administration has found "clear and compelling evidence" of a banned weapons program in neighbouring Canada. At a press conference in Washington Bush outlined the findings. "It has become apparent that Canadian hunters are using unfair tactics against their native moose," he said. "As a result, the country's moose population is dwindling. Our sources on the ground tell us that weapons of moose distraction are to blame." When asked to define this new term, the President appeared undecided. "A weapon of moose distraction can take many forms," he speculated, "A whistle; a toupee; a delicious-smelling bagel. Anything that gives a hunter an unfair advantage over a moose." "Moose are not intellectual beasts like you or I," he added amid partially-stifled giggles. "They are easily distracted. The danger is… err… the danger is that Canadian hunters will try to do to our moose what they have done to their own." Journalists asked the President how he plans to deal with the crisis. "Carpet bombing," said Bush, without hesitation, "and diplomacy. Possibly backed up with more carpet bombing." One journalist suggested the moose situation in Canada was a matter for Canadian animal welfare groups, but Bush rejected the suggestion. "This is not a matter for French hippies," he said, "This is a matter for the Administration. Rest assured," he added, "Time is fast running out for Canada." Later, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien spoke on live television to America and the world. "The President's allegations about hunting malpractice in Canada are unfounded," he insisted. "The moose is no longer an endangered species, and furthermore as a sovereign nation we are responsible for our own moose policy. This talk of war is unnecessary and irresponsible. I believe the real issue here is potatoes. If the President wants our potatoes, he knows he only has to ask." This afternoon, Bush held another press conference to allay fears over his earlier press conference. "America does not want war," he said, "But the time is gone when civilised nations can stand by whilst others seek to endanger our moose. I, the President of the United States of America, am a friend of the moose." A Canadian journalist then produced a photograph taken in 1994, which shows the President hitting a bewildered moose with an iron bar. Bush replied that the photograph was "greatly exaggerated", and then called an end to the conference. In an effort to avert war, a hastily commissioned study in Canada aims to prove that the American President is distrusted by the country's moose population. Over a period of 4 hours, a selection of moose were exposed to pictures of George W. Bush, Saddam Hussein and Marilyn Manson. Moose in the "George W. Bush" category quickly became restless, developing heart palpitations and nervous ticks. Moose in the two control groups were unaffected. The results of the study have been submitted to the United Nations. Meanwhile, an international committee has arranged for President Bush to be taken on an extended holiday to Disneyland, Florida, in the hope that he can be persuaded to rethink his new hard-line policy on Canadian moose.
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