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News in Depth
Battle for Survival

"Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors
Shadow Desperation Minister, the Rt. Hon. Geoffrey O'Sleaze, last tonight revealed that spoons have recently been used to save "hundreds of Tory votes".

The shocking revelation has arisen out of the tribunal of sacked Tory Michael Portillo who, when offered the chance to campaign with a Spoon, castigated the decision as "ridiculous" and hurled himself onto the floor screaming.

Mr O'Sleaze claimed, however, that spoons are "far from ridiculous".

The spoon in question, known to spin-doctors as an Iain Dunking Spoon, was presented to the tribunal today. "The Dunking Spoon under consideration," explained Mr O'Sleaze, "would undoubtedly have continued to be of use to us Tories, had Mr. Portillo not been so crass as to have dragged it through the dirt."

Other Tory MPs, including shadowy war minister, Anthony Blair, have come out in favour of Dunking Spoon, likening Mr. Portillo's attack to that of the unsuccessful challenge by the Tetley Tea Bag to the Samovar in the early part of the century. After being jarred in the head, he hastened to add that the voters were simply no longer interested in hearing how dire a state the Tories were in: "It is clear from the complete lack of interest shown by you people, and the general public, that what you want to hear about is policy."

When later quizzed about policy, Mr. Blair muttered something about "the peacenik press" and their "distortion of the facts".

Mr. Portillo's most vitriolic comments, however, were that Iain Dunking Spoon had been surrounded by obsequious teaspoons and thimbles who, like Dunking Spoon, claimed to believe in Section 28, the flogging of slaves and the shooting of Hip Hop performers: "You don't look like a tall spoon if you surround yourself with small glasses; all this whilst prolific and revered modernisers, such as my most august and esteemed friend, Michael Portillo, are excluded from the Shadow Cutlery Drawer!"

Furthermore, Mr. Portillo went so far as to suggest that the Tories' flamboyant chairwoman, Theresa May - whose renowned predilection for leopard-skin lingerie and rallying cry of "Unite and Die" had been seen as a sign of a Conservative renaissance was about to be sacked.

Mrs. May, who was operating from a sleeping bag situated on the abandoned Central Line, denied that there was a rift between her and Dunking Spoon: "I just came here to get some peace, dammit! My job is safe. Dunking Spoons are safe in the hands of professional spin-doctors, as is my job. What the country really wants to know is, "why is Britain's Lingerie Service in such a dismal state?"

Nevertheless, other Tories were keen to back Portillo's rebellion. The MP for Toffington-Crescent, Tim Slime, remarked: "If you cannot pick up a seat with a Spoon, then it clearly isn't strong enough, and should be replaced by me or my good friend Michael."

Iain Dunking Spoon said nothing about Mr. Portillo's allegations, but he was quick to laugh off reports that he was "meaningless, dull and boring" as "meaningless, dull and boring."

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"Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors

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