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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Donald Rumsfeld |
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| You just walked into: Home > News | 24th May |
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 Tories unite behind leader: We all think you're useless 7 Nov 2002 The Conservative "leader", Iain Duncan Smith, announced that his party was "united" today, despite the damaging splits that emerged earlier this week over the Adoption Bill. In the first broadcast he has made since his "unite or die" statement, Mr Duncan Smith told BBC Radio 4 "the party is united now". "I don't like to brag," he bragged to John Humphreys this morning, "but the party is completely united now. There will be no more splits." Mr Duncan Smith met with the 1922 Committee, made up of Tory backbenchers, on Wednesday after another mediocre performance at Prime Minister's Question Time. Surprisingly, though, the backbenchers appear to be unanimous in their support of his leadership. "He's a complete tosspot," said one on his way out of the meeting. "The sooner we get rid of him the better," agreed another. "Who the hell was that idiot?" asked a third, not particularly well-informed backbencher. Given their unquestioning lack of support for their leader, political commentators say that for the first time in decades the party really is united. "It's not so much 'unite or die'," argued Douglas Ramsbottom for the Guardian. "It's more 'unite and then we'll die'. It's a decision they've been wrestling with since the Major years, but now it seems they've finally decided. We can expect a mass cull any time soon." A spokesman for the government has said that, given past experience, they would prefer a vaccination programme. Related articles DeadBrain obtains discarded IDS political "thriller" 7 Nov 2003 Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader 6 Nov 2003 Trick or treat with Michael Howard 31 Oct 2003 Howard to stand as Tory leader after all 30 Oct 2003 16:14 Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest 29 Oct 2003 23:55 Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun 29 Oct 2003 19:40 In Brief: Tory leadership crisis - excitement mounts 28 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith demands dry cleaning be returned by Wednesday 27 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith victim of Conservative-Labour bidding war 23 Oct 2003 Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space 20 Oct 2003 Tory leader "has office", to be investigated 12 Oct 2003 WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool 9 Oct 2003 Newsreaders hospitalised after Duncan Smith promise 6 Oct 2003 Tory leader calls for Kelly inquiry to be produced in cartoon form 22 Jul 2003 Conservative leader to join Big Brother house 9 Jul 2003 Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover 19 Jun 2003 Conservative leader resigned several months ago 31 May 2003 Tory "leader" demands right to lifelong non-anonymity 24 May 2003 IDS "bad for health" claims report 16 May 2003 IDS gets giggles while proclaiming confidence that Tories will win at next election 14 May 2003 IDS - "a real threat to government" 5 May 2003 New Tory information minister hails election victory 2 May 2003 Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors 24 Feb 2003 "Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors 22 Feb 2003
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