|News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · John Prescott|
|You just fell over: Home > News||6th March|
Police foil IDS kidnap attempt
4 Nov 2002
The Conservative "leader", Iain Duncan Smith, said he was laying on extra security today after police foiled a dramatic kidnap attempt over the weekend. Officers from the Seriously Disorganised Crime Command unit, known as SD7, descended on a group of renegade eastern-European Conservatives after a newspaper tip-off.
According to an undercover reporter from the News of the World, the group was planning to kidnap Mr Duncan Smith and demand a ransom of "at least £5". "They started off with figures like 50p and £2.99, but then they thought 'Oh, what the hell. We'll gamble and see if we can get something many times more than he's worth.' I'm not sure they would have got their money," said the journalist, who for his own safety wishes to remain anonymous.
It is understood that the would-be kidnappers were willing to take the whole shadow cabinet hostage to get their man if they had to. A spokesman for Mr Duncan Smith said that he took seriously all threats against him. "Because of his intense popularity and media presence, Iain gets threats made against him all the time," he said dreamily. "Earlier this year we managed to stop a threat from the shady Davidus Davidus terror group, but they're still a danger to him. We're always on the lookout for trouble."
President Bush has been quick to point out the potentially totally implausible links with al Qaeda. "I've heard about this King Duncancan," he confided in a press briefing this afternoon. "I'd bet my bottom dollar that he has links to Osama bin Laden. Hell, maybe he is bin Laden. We should bomb the crap out of him to find out."
Tony Blair is said to be "undecided" on whether to agree to military action at this stage.
DeadBrain obtains discarded IDS political "thriller"
7 Nov 2003
Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader
6 Nov 2003
Trick or treat with Michael Howard
31 Oct 2003
Howard to stand as Tory leader after all
30 Oct 2003 16:14
Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest
29 Oct 2003 23:55
Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun
29 Oct 2003 19:40
In Brief: Tory leadership crisis - excitement mounts
28 Oct 2003
Duncan Smith demands dry cleaning be returned by Wednesday
27 Oct 2003
Duncan Smith victim of Conservative-Labour bidding war
23 Oct 2003
Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space
20 Oct 2003
Tory leader "has office", to be investigated
12 Oct 2003
WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool
9 Oct 2003
Newsreaders hospitalised after Duncan Smith promise
6 Oct 2003
Tory leader calls for Kelly inquiry to be produced in cartoon form
22 Jul 2003
Conservative leader to join Big Brother house
9 Jul 2003
Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover
19 Jun 2003
Conservative leader resigned several months ago
31 May 2003
Tory "leader" demands right to lifelong non-anonymity
24 May 2003
IDS "bad for health" claims report
16 May 2003
IDS gets giggles while proclaiming confidence that Tories will win at next election
14 May 2003
IDS - "a real threat to government"
5 May 2003
New Tory information minister hails election victory
2 May 2003
Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors
24 Feb 2003
"Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors
22 Feb 2003