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Battle for Survival

Police foil IDS kidnap attempt
The Conservative "leader", Iain Duncan Smith, said he was laying on extra security today after police foiled a dramatic kidnap attempt over the weekend. Officers from the Seriously Disorganised Crime Command unit, known as SD7, descended on a group of renegade eastern-European Conservatives after a newspaper tip-off.

According to an undercover reporter from the News of the World, the group was planning to kidnap Mr Duncan Smith and demand a ransom of "at least 5". "They started off with figures like 50p and 2.99, but then they thought 'Oh, what the hell. We'll gamble and see if we can get something many times more than he's worth.' I'm not sure they would have got their money," said the journalist, who for his own safety wishes to remain anonymous.

It is understood that the would-be kidnappers were willing to take the whole shadow cabinet hostage to get their man if they had to. A spokesman for Mr Duncan Smith said that he took seriously all threats against him. "Because of his intense popularity and media presence, Iain gets threats made against him all the time," he said dreamily. "Earlier this year we managed to stop a threat from the shady Davidus Davidus terror group, but they're still a danger to him. We're always on the lookout for trouble."

President Bush has been quick to point out the potentially totally implausible links with al Qaeda. "I've heard about this King Duncancan," he confided in a press briefing this afternoon. "I'd bet my bottom dollar that he has links to Osama bin Laden. Hell, maybe he is bin Laden. We should bomb the crap out of him to find out."

Tony Blair is said to be "undecided" on whether to agree to military action at this stage.

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