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|Chirac calls for ban on British bullshit, expulsion from Europe
2 Nov 2002
Anglo-French relations are at a new low today and Britain's position within the EU is in jeopardy after French President Jacques Chirac said he wanted the UK thrown out of the EU, "and preferably Europe". The news comes after the president's public falling-out with British Prime Minister Tony Blair over farming subsidies.
In remarks which were at first thought to be off the record, Mr Chirac told journalists last night that Tony Blair was a "jug-eared fool" who "doesn't deserve to be in Europe, let alone the EU". He went on to say that "British bullshit" wasn't safe and he would be implementing a ban on it across France immediately.
Politicians in this country have responded angrily to Mr Chirac's comments. "Our bullshit is some of the best in the world," argued Trade and Industry Secretary Patricia Hewitt. "We have stringent checks in place to ensure that it is not infected with any truths. Our safety procedures are the toughest in Europe, so I don't see what Mr Chirac's problem is."
The Conservatives immediately condemned the government for Mr Chirac's remarks. "I cannot believe the Prime Minister thinks Mr Chirac can get away with making such appalling insults as these against the British bullshit industry," spluttered their "leader", Iain Duncan Smith. "This was not in the Labour manifesto, he has been misleading the electorate, he should apologise right away, or resign – yes, he should resign now!"
Astonishingly, Mr Chirac went even further today. "The British are the scourge of the European Union," he complained at a "power lunch" with European bankers. "They are forever holding things back and disagreeing with me. They won't use the same currency as us and they persist in having their bloody English Channel between them and the rest of us. Why can't they have land borders like the rest of us? They're just plain awkward and they don't deserve to be in the EU. We should throw them out immediately, and seek approval from the UN to kick them out of Europe altogether!"
The Conservative leader, currently recovering in hospital from "a bad cough", reportedly responded "warmly" to Mr Chiric's latest rant, pointing out how much he enjoyed French food. Reports of the entire Liberal Democrat movement "sobbing uncontrollably" have also been denied.
Downing Street has so far declined to comment on its worsening relationship with the French, but it is understood that the army would "respond with force (except if the fire-fighters are on strike)" if any attempt were made to remove Britain from Europe and place it, for example, "next to Iraq". Foreign Secretary Jack Straw has now been despatched to France "with a goodwill baguette" to smooth things over.