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|Brown to swap pound for Monopoly money
27 Nov 2002
The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, announced a complete overhaul of the UK's economy in his pre-budget report today. Giving his statement in the Commons this afternoon, Mr Brown confounded analysts by announcing the abolition of the pound. "From January next year," said the dour Scotsman, "The Bank of England will be replaced with a new bank, with a new governor and a new currency. This country's economy will be radically changed to combat global recession."
At a time when many thought the UK was on the road European Monetary Union with the euro, the Chancellor has decided to fly in the face of expert opinion and switch the UK's official currency to Monopoly money. At midnight on New Year's Eve, money from the popular board game will become legal tender and the Chancellor himself will assume the role of "bank" with the aid of a small plastic tray.
Amid panic among MPs in the Commons, Mr Brown went on to announce "the complete abolition" of all banks and building societies operating in England and Wales, the mandatory use of small metal figurines in the place of credit cards and cheque books, and the end of bingo tax.
Campaigners against joining the single currency fainted en masse in disbelief. "I... I... I just can't believe it!" exclaimed a shocked Conservative from Bath when he came round. "The Chancellor is going to scrap our currency – for Monopoly money? I don't even like Monopoly!"
The Liberal Democrats, who were strong supporters of the single currency, were also outraged at the Chancellor's decision. "The Liberal Democrats are strongly opposed to replacing the pound with Monopoly money," said a glum Matthew Taylor. "Apart from anything, we always – ALWAYS – lose in the cross-party Monopoly committee. And Gordon Brown always gets to be the bank! This really is not fair!"
Experts have expressed concerns that the government will be unable to print enough money in time for the changeover, but a spokesman for the Royal Mint told us: "Oh no, we'll be ready in time. We can print this stuff like Monopoly money!"