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Battle for Survival

Tory "leader" fined for not trying
The Conservative "leader", Iain Duncan Smith, was last night fined by the Jockey Club under strict competition rules. In June earlier this year, a reporter working undercover for the BBC's Kenyon Confronts programme secretly filmed discussions with Mr Duncan Smith where he claimed he had been paid 1,600 to lose Commons exchanges with Tony Blair.

"No man on earth could perform so badly by accident," said the Jockey Club's chief executive, Sir Douglas Ramsbottom. "Somehow I don't think the Conservative Party is stupid enough to have someone who is, if you pardon my French, 'crap' as their leader. That only leaves one option: Mr Duncan Smith has been corrupted."

According to political commentators, the practice of paying a politician "not to try" is rare and little is known about it. "In fact, I don't know anything about it," said Spectator columnist Gregory T Mullet when we interrupted his lunch today. "I don't know why you're asking me about it. I thought the guy was just crap."

Conservative Central Office has issued a strongly-worded statement denying the allegations. A spokesman added, "We completely refute any suggestion that Iain does not try. In fact he is very trying. He's just crap, that's all."

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Look at this, moron.

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