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 Government launches celebrity crackdown
The government announced a new crackdown on celebrities today to help in their fight against crime. According to Home Office statistics, celebrities are responsible for over half of all crimes reported in tabloid newspapers, and a growing percentage of those reported by broadsheet newspapers. Ministers now say it's time to get tough.

"Quite frankly we've had enough of B-list celebrities swanning around the place doing drugs and raping other B-list celebrities," said an angry David Blunkett this morning. "It's alright when they do it in their own homes, but once the papers get a-hold of it it's a nightmare. They've had their chance to clean up their act but as last week's headlines show, they can't do it on their own."

From Monday a 7pm curfew will be imposed on all celebrities (defined as anyone who has been in Hello, excluding politicians and Big Brother contestants). Any celebrity caught breaking the curfew without a good reason will be arrested on the spot by police and taken to a borstal-like holding centre for "re-education".

Critics of the government have raised concerns that the new policy doesn't tackle the problem at its root. "This is not 'tough on celebrities, tough on the causes of celebrities'," said Chief Inspector Douglas Ramsbottom of Humberside Police. "As soon as we lock up this lot of celebrities a new lot will come along in their place. To really get rid of the problem we'd have to ban programmes like Fame Academy, and there's no way I'd support that while our Pippa is in there!"

Editors of tabloid newspapers have meanwhile responded with "total hysteria". Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, was spotted blubbing into his morning cappuccino just after the news broke. "We can't go back to doing that news thing," he was heard crying to a colleague. "I like looking at pictures of semi-naked celebrities, you don't get that sort of thing with parliamentary coverage. It'd not faaiir!" Insiders say huge job-cuts could follow if the policy is implemented, although the demand for actual journalists is likely to go up.

Perhaps surprisingly, the Conservative Party is strongly backing the new policy, despite its potential to infringe on civil liberties. As one backbencher told DeadBrain, "it's not like any of us are going to get locked up and it might mean IDS finally gets some headlines!"

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