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Britain on Strike

Strike latest: Mirror announces Britain to collapse by Sunday
The whole of Britain is in "complete, total and utter crisis" tonight, it has been announced. According to Piers Morgan, professional doom-monger and editor of the Daily Mirror, nobody is safe from the disastrous combined consequences of the fire strike and the collapse of the Paul Burrell trial.

"Experts" have been specially drafted in to persuade the public that Britain is in danger of "literally falling to pieces" and the only way of preventing this is by buying the Daily Mirror. "Quite frankly, I think it's 50/50 whether Britain will still exist at the end of the week," said Professor Gregory T McMullet of the fictional Daily Mirror University. "Our entire system of democratic government is close to collapse, and all because the Queen had temporary amnesia. It won't be long before we see examples of cannibalism in the streets of Romford. This could be like the holocaust all over again."

In an "world exclusive" 20-page tirade of editorial ramblings to be published tomorrow morning, Mr Morgan agues that it is the Queen's fault the fire service has gone on strike, the Burrell trial collapsed and the circulation of his newspaper keeps falling. Continuing the theme on page 22, after a brief interlude of pictures of a semi-nude B-list celebrity on page 21, the Mirror has a "world exclusive" picture of a fire station in Chingford, followed by a comment piece on how the Queen is to blame for the Iraq crisis.

Other media outlets have had a more "measured" response to the Mirror's revelation. From midnight tonight, all BBC news broadcasts will be made from a bombproof, fireproof, Birt-proof bunker beneath Television Centre, while the Tweenies are to be trained in martial arts and supplied with gas masks by the end of the week. ITV and Channel 4 have said they would go into "full crisis mode" if they could afford it, while Five has promised to broadcast pornography 24 hours a day "to keep people's spirits up".

The government is meanwhile denying that it has given up all hope of averting the collapse of Britain, stating that a decision to "get everyone important out of the country and leave John Prescott to fix it" was a tactical manoeuvre designed to bring the emergency to a quick end.

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