|News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Dick Cheney|
|You feel threatened by: Home > News||25th April|
Tories plot rail sabotage
8 Oct 2002
The Conservatives announced new plans to improve the country's rail system today. Speaking at their annual tea party in Bournemouth, Shadow Transport Secretary Tim Collins said that the UK could have railways "as good as the French ones" within a year.
Britain's rail network is currently in the hands of Network Rail, a not-for-profit organisation set up following the collapse of Railtrack. Without renationalising the railways, which would be expensive, or reprivatising them, which would probably bugger them up again, it's hard to see what alternative there is, but the Tories say they have the answer.
"We're not going to improve our railways," was the surprising response from Mr Collins. "That would be far too difficult for us. No, we're going to break the French railways instead. The Conservative Party has experience in this area of transport policy, so we know it can be done, and in my opinion it's the only way ours will ever be at the same standard as theirs."
Under the new proposals, crack teams of Tory Special Forces loyal to the party leadership (i.e. IDS, has mate Stan and a pensioner from Worcester) will be despatched to the continent with "high explosives, pick axes and back-issues of the Tory manifesto" to "advise" French authorities on how to run their railways.
Labour, of course, immediately condemned the new strategy. "You, the electorate, cannot let the Tories get away with sabotaging the French railways!" yelled a frustrated Health Secretary, Alan Milburn. "Not only is it completely illegal, but we need them to send ill people to hospital on!"
DeadBrain obtains discarded IDS political "thriller"
7 Nov 2003
Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader
6 Nov 2003
Trick or treat with Michael Howard
31 Oct 2003
Howard to stand as Tory leader after all
30 Oct 2003 16:14
Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest
29 Oct 2003 23:55
Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun
29 Oct 2003 19:40
In Brief: Tory leadership crisis - excitement mounts
28 Oct 2003
Duncan Smith demands dry cleaning be returned by Wednesday
27 Oct 2003
Duncan Smith victim of Conservative-Labour bidding war
23 Oct 2003
Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space
20 Oct 2003
Tory leader "has office", to be investigated
12 Oct 2003
WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool
9 Oct 2003
Newsreaders hospitalised after Duncan Smith promise
6 Oct 2003
Tory leader calls for Kelly inquiry to be produced in cartoon form
22 Jul 2003
Conservative leader to join Big Brother house
9 Jul 2003
Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover
19 Jun 2003
Conservative leader resigned several months ago
31 May 2003
Tory "leader" demands right to lifelong non-anonymity
24 May 2003
IDS "bad for health" claims report
16 May 2003
IDS gets giggles while proclaiming confidence that Tories will win at next election
14 May 2003
IDS - "a real threat to government"
5 May 2003
New Tory information minister hails election victory
2 May 2003
Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors
24 Feb 2003
"Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors
22 Feb 2003