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| You feel threatened by: Home > News | 18th June |
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 Tories plot rail sabotage 8 Oct 2002 The Conservatives announced new plans to improve the country's rail system today. Speaking at their annual tea party in Bournemouth, Shadow Transport Secretary Tim Collins said that the UK could have railways "as good as the French ones" within a year. Britain's rail network is currently in the hands of Network Rail, a not-for-profit organisation set up following the collapse of Railtrack. Without renationalising the railways, which would be expensive, or reprivatising them, which would probably bugger them up again, it's hard to see what alternative there is, but the Tories say they have the answer. "We're not going to improve our railways," was the surprising response from Mr Collins. "That would be far too difficult for us. No, we're going to break the French railways instead. The Conservative Party has experience in this area of transport policy, so we know it can be done, and in my opinion it's the only way ours will ever be at the same standard as theirs." Under the new proposals, crack teams of Tory Special Forces loyal to the party leadership (i.e. IDS, has mate Stan and a pensioner from Worcester) will be despatched to the continent with "high explosives, pick axes and back-issues of the Tory manifesto" to "advise" French authorities on how to run their railways. Labour, of course, immediately condemned the new strategy. "You, the electorate, cannot let the Tories get away with sabotaging the French railways!" yelled a frustrated Health Secretary, Alan Milburn. "Not only is it completely illegal, but we need them to send ill people to hospital on!" Related articles DeadBrain obtains discarded IDS political "thriller" 7 Nov 2003 Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader 6 Nov 2003 Trick or treat with Michael Howard 31 Oct 2003 Howard to stand as Tory leader after all 30 Oct 2003 16:14 Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest 29 Oct 2003 23:55 Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun 29 Oct 2003 19:40 In Brief: Tory leadership crisis - excitement mounts 28 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith demands dry cleaning be returned by Wednesday 27 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith victim of Conservative-Labour bidding war 23 Oct 2003 Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space 20 Oct 2003 Tory leader "has office", to be investigated 12 Oct 2003 WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool 9 Oct 2003 Newsreaders hospitalised after Duncan Smith promise 6 Oct 2003 Tory leader calls for Kelly inquiry to be produced in cartoon form 22 Jul 2003 Conservative leader to join Big Brother house 9 Jul 2003 Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover 19 Jun 2003 Conservative leader resigned several months ago 31 May 2003 Tory "leader" demands right to lifelong non-anonymity 24 May 2003 IDS "bad for health" claims report 16 May 2003 IDS gets giggles while proclaiming confidence that Tories will win at next election 14 May 2003 IDS - "a real threat to government" 5 May 2003 New Tory information minister hails election victory 2 May 2003 Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors 24 Feb 2003 "Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors 22 Feb 2003
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