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|Lowest Common Denominator TV launched by five
25 Oct 2002 by Alex
In a bid to up the stakes in the "reality" TV ratings battle that started with Big Brother, achieved a notable nadir with Soap Stars and then just kept digging lower until it finally reached Fame Academy, five (formerly known as Channel 5) Director of Programming Douglas Ramsbottom today triumphantly announced the channel's newest late-nite prime time show, simply entitled PornStars.
"It's really a quite simple format," he went on to explain, "and we deffo didn't nick it from no-one else neither. See what happens is, we get all these lovely young Shirleys, probably with bubbly blonde hair and gymslips and that, and we get them to audition in front of our hand-picked panel of judges. I'd obviously have to be one of them," he drooled, "and maybe we could get that Jenna Jameson to be an expert judge, she could sit next to me. Oh, and Lorraine Kelly obviously."
After excusing himself for several minutes, a slightly dishevelled Mr Ramsbottom returned to explain how contestants would be judged on looks, appearance, attractiveness, beauty, and tits. When asked if any male contestants would be taking part, Mr Ramsbottom replied, "are you calling me a puff?"
After a protracted and exhaustive judging process, the panel will decide which 10 contestants will be allowed to move forwards towards the final rounds, when the format would drastically change.
"When the public start phone voting to say who they think should win every week, we need to be able to show more than just a bunch of tits. All the reality TV shows do that," he explained. "So what we do is, we get 'em to take part in challenges so we can all see what they can do. We can have the lesbo challenge, the self-satisfaction endur-athon, the nipple wrench, the dance of the dildos, and err, the, err, excuse me a minute!" At this point the press conference was abandoned as it became clear that Mr Ramsbottom was in no condition to continue.
Spokesmen for the BBC, ITV and Channel 4 have condemned the programme as "a cynical attempt to get viewers by showing them soft porn", adding that they intended to tune in regularly.