SPECIAL REPORT: Anarchy, capitalism and dental workers
1 May 2002
Enraged anti-capitalists, anti-globalisation campaigners and, to a lesser extent, RSPCA supporters were today expected to run riot in London, Paris and other major cities across the world. However, only seven thousand people turned up for the London protest, a significant reduction from last year's "like millions, man". Fewer than ten people have been arrested so far, compared to last year when one hundred were taken into custody.
Protestors in Paris, meanwhile, were out on the street complaining about Jean Marie Le Pen and the fact that he still has two girls' names. The girls involved are said to be "distraught" at the theft of their identification. Protests also took place overnight in Berlin, Sydney and Venezuela, with many of them attracting more people and more violence than ours.
Analysts have blamed poor weather conditions on the disappointing turnout in London. "It's one thing protesting against globalisation and the like," said Dr Gregory T Mullet, a GP from Barnet. "But when you haven't got an umbrella and your Hushpuppies are getting soaked, there's just no point."
However, the demonstration was judged a partial success by an international panel of professional rioters, anarchists and dental workers. "They still managed to get McDonalds," reasoned one of the judges. "Although that is a pretty basic target. I give them 6 out of 10."
Douglas Ramsbottom, a Doncaster civil servant who describes himself as "a career violent protestor" and "a goddam brilliant chef", explained why he likes to attack McDonalds restaurants. "It's not because they're multinational capitalist scum," he said with an almost measurable amount of venom. "It's ‘cos their food tastes so foul."
Look at this, moron.