2 Nov 2001
The Conservative Party today announced plans to sell "toys and other pointless merchandise" in the run up to Christmas. Gregory T Mullet, the hyperactive Chief Marketing Manager for the new "@conservative" brand, told us optimistically, "Ok, so we didn't win the election. So what? We're going to be this year's number one toy instead!"
Among the items going on sale in all second-rate back street toyshops around the country are plastic dolls in the shape of key party figures. Douglas Ramsbottom, our expert toy analyser who has just been released from Belmarsh Prison, predicts that they will be a big hit. "We've had the Spice Girl dolls, the Hear'Say dolls, and even the WWF dolls, but nobody has tried politicians before," he said excitedly. "I think these dolls could reach sell-out status, just like the Teletubbies. I mean let's face it, Duncan Smith does look like a bit of a Teletubbie, doesn't he?" Mr Ramsbottom then left to put his name down on the waiting list for Anne Widdecombe dolls.
Other toys aiming to become popular this Christmas include a board game version of the Channel 5 show "Jailbreak", featuring ex-Tories Jonathan Aitkin and Jeffrey Archer, and Pokemon-like collectors cards for each of the Conservative MPs with the catchy slogan "catch us before we die out completely".
Look at this, moron.