11 Nov 2001
Psychological researchers in Oxford have this week conducted an experiment into the anti-American feeling circulating in some parts of the country. The researchers, who are said to be "typically bearded", persuaded one woman to change her surname to "American". Ms American was then present at the birth of her sister's first child, and can now be known as "Aunty American". Within minutes of her leaving the hospital, Ms American was subjected to racial abuse and stone throwing, and an effigy of George Bush was burned in one elderly man's front garden.
Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, a respected academic in the field of biological warfare at Huddersfield University, has no particular relevance to this story and declined to grant us an interview. Speaking from his home in Western Samoa, Professor Ramsbottom told us to "go away".
Meanwhile, Gregory T Mullet, a British effigy constructor who is currently working full-time in Pakistan, told us we should not be surprised at the latest anti-American riots. "There is a great deal of anti-American feeling here," he told us in the "Kill the Yanks Coffee House", located in the back streets of Islamabad. "We shouldn't really be surprised that people in Oxford are getting pissed off as well. I mean they've got to put up with Chelsea Clinton for God's sake!"
Oi, down here!