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Philosophers predict death for "everyone"
8 Oct 2001
There was shocking news for "the world in general" today, as philosophers predicted that "we're all gonna die". The World Doom-Predicting Society, meeting deep underground in a nuclear bunker near Wales, came to a unanimous conclusion over the future of the world and all of its inhabitants in light of the recent terrorist attacks on America.
Professor Gregoreich T Müllereich, of the German Institute for Death, Destruction and Yachting (GIDDY), was keen to share his sunny outlook on life with a passing sheep farmer, who later forwarded his views to us. According to the bemused farmer, known to us only as "Agent Dale", Professor Müllereich was preparing for "some sort of ritual sacrifice" involving one of his sheep when he was interrupted. He explained that "the world is doomed" and "everyone on this planet, including everyone in Wales, is going to die", before reciting an ancient Latin prayer and "galloping" off into the distance.
Dr Douglas Ramsbottom, who proudly proclaimed himself as the society's "only sane member" while attempting to bungee jump off the top of the London Eye last week, confirmed the world's future at a press conference at the base of Mt Etna. Speaking through a large broken megaphone, Dr Ramsbottom told journalists, "The German dude is right, we're all going to die! Sorry."
Politicians around the UK were today "falling over themselves" to condemn the society's comments. Baroness Thatcher, who fell over her own Zimmer frame, shouted, "this is ridiculous, but I haven't heard any Muslims say that yet!" before being sedated. Iain Duncan Smith was keen to distance himself from "the mad old bat's" comments. According to some reports, he was standing "at least twenty miles away" from the ex-PM when he tripped over a loose paving slap. While he was brushing his suit down, Mr Duncan Smith told journalists "these comments are totally false and very dangerous. Let's save the pound!"
Charles Kennedy, Leader of the Liberal Rambling Association, was in the middle of explaining proportional representation to a pensioners' knitting group in Sussex when he fell over a "long piece of wool". He went on to call the society's comments "totally unacceptable".
Prime Minister Tony Blair condemned the comments. In a Downing Street press conference, which had been delayed for half an hour while he chose which tie to wear, he said, "There is no direct threat to the UK. We're not going to die. Under New Labour, everyone will live forever. Period." Mr Blair then went on to fall over Alistair Campbell.
The leaders of the UK Independence Party, the Green Party and the British National Party probably also had something to say, but the election finished months ago so we really couldn't care less.