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Pentagon to release Iraq sticker album
15 Apr 2003
The Pentagon is to release a sticker album of Iraq's most wanted, hot on the heels of its increasingly popular set of playing cards. The cards quickly became one of the most popular toys in America after the US military began selling them in toyshops and military advisers hope the sticker album will be equally successful. A leaked memo now suggests that other merchandise may follow, with Iraq-themed Lego sets, Barbie dolls and jigsaws already in production.
Archbishop Bean delivers Easter message
20 Apr 2003
The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Atkinson, delivered his Easter message today in the culmination of four days of services, which have included washing people's feet and "talking for a long time in a monotone". Speaking at Canterbury Cathedral, the Mr Bean, Blackadder and Johnny English star warned Christians not to believe too strongly in their beliefs, adding "flibble" with a comical expression on his face.
S Club to split, music quality to improve
22 Apr 2003
Pop group S Club, formerly S Club 7, are to rename themselves S Club 0 at the end of May when all remaining six members will leave. Their millions of fans, most of whom are thought to have no musical taste whatsoever, are set to be disappointed and many fear it could be the end for the group. However, a spokesman for record company BMG said that the group would continue, adding that the quality of music outputted would remain the same.
Blair disappointed not to win "rear of the year"
23 Apr 2003
The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is said to be disappointed that he didn't win this year's "rear of the year" award. The awards, whose previous winners have included fellow comedians Graham Norton and Frank Skinner, are presented to the man and woman whose bottoms are deemed the finest in the country. A Downing Street spokesman said that Mr Blair had been "trying valiantly to have the best bottom in Britain by talking out of it for the last two months", but to no avail. The eventual winner in the male category was pop star Ronan Keating who, while not talking out of his arse, does sound like he sings out of it.
Rumsfeld pulls troops out of Syria
29 Apr 2003
The U.S. Defence Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, is to pull American troops out of Syria now the war in Iraq is over. "Iraq is no longer a threat to Syria, so they don't need our protection," he explained. "We're a threat to Syria, and protecting against ourselves would just be silly."