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Tesco launches deli counter for "aspirational hecklers"20 Apr 2005 by hra
In its latest daring expansion move, supermarket giant Tesco is set to cash in on the General Election to the tune of another record profit, according to dynamic market research guru Douglas Ramsbottom in a DeadBrain exclusive.Back in March, things were looking bleak at Tesco with the expected retail bonanza of Royal Wedding memorabilia failing to materialise. "We didn't manage to shift as much as a single commemorative beer-mug this time round, and as for Royal Wedding Rubik Cubes or Charles 'n' Camilla underpants – forget it. A total disaster," Ramsbottom recalled. Reacting to events with characteristic vigour, Ramsbottom promptly carried out an in-depth stochastic analysis of socio-economic groups ABC1, which uncovered the startling fact that Tony Blair was about to call a General Election. "A golden opportunity," he enthused, as the store sprang into action. Within days, Tesco had launched what was to be an entirely new concept in deli counters, owing its inspiration to the plethora of pre-election rallies and walkabouts, and - more importantly - the "voter alienation coefficient". Instead of serving up yet another range of tempting tidbits for jaded foodies, it provides a vast and sophisticated array of suitably revolting ammunition for today's "aspirational heckler". "Twenty or so years ago, your average heckler would be perfectly happy stocking up with rotten eggs and tomatoes," Ramsbottom explained. "Nowadays they all want something that little bit more up-market and exotic – kumquats and mangoes seem to be especially popular at the moment, especially the really squishy ones." For the ultimate in sensory impact, the store even offers durian fruit, a foodstuff so odoriferous that it is banned from many indoor locations in its native Far East without even being allowed to go rotten and be hurled at one's least favourite politician. Ramsbottom emphasised Tesco's insistence on rigorous quality standards, even for a decomposing chunk of watermelon destined for a pontificating Labour frontbencher's person rather than one's gourmet dinner-party. "All produce is specially selected for colour, consistency, size and shelf life, or lack of it. It's just that for heckling as opposed to culinary purposes, the criteria are somewhat different." A procession of pungently bespattered politicians up and down the country already bear this out. "When Waitrose brought out their 'Perfectly Ripe' slogan – we fought back with 'Perfectly Putrid'," he added. "All the produce is marked 'If swallowed, seek medical advice' and 'May cause irritation'," Ramsbottom warned. "And another difference from conventional food is, of course, the sell-by dates are a minimum, not a maximum." Ramsbottom's grand vision extends beyond May 5th. "By the time the election's over, consumers will have got used to the idea. A versatile product line like this won't just limit itself to the 'politician-averse' sector. We did a recent consumer survey in the Longbridge area, which shows there'll be more than a few Rover executives racking up record dry-cleaning bills too." And as for Tesco's profit forecast on the back of the election? "Probably only another £2bn or so," Ramsbottom predicted. "But, as we say here, 'every little helps'."
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