Quotes from Labour conference speeches we didn't get to hear
Ian McCartney, Party Chairman
"Achtung! Englischer Pensionär!"
"Sorry we're three hours late starting. This is because the cabinet's train was late, and half our speakers are currently stuck on the M3."
"Yes we do have the official casualty figures from Iraq. Labour party membership down from 400,000 to 200,000 in less than five years."
"Sorry there were no butties at lunchtime - this was due to our caterer 'Gate Gourmet' experiencing some staffing difficulties."
"The press think that we have not debated issues properly or fairly. With over 3000 police and security services staff in the hall, I think our three delegates did great...well except for that old ****er at the back."
Gordon Brown, Chancellor of the Exchequer
"I intend to tour each and every one of Britain's industrial and manufacturing businesses on Thursday...and then on Friday..."
"Balls up at the Treasury. Sorry, I meant Ed Balls is up at the Treasury."
Ruth Kelly, Education Secretary
"All together! We're the party you'll agree, M-I-C-K-E-Y, Mickey-Mouse-Degree!".
Douglas Alexander, Europe Minister
"Labour could learn from George Bush's campaigning style. We've had the Iraq campaign...so who's up for an Iranian and a North Korean campaign!"
Tony Blair, Prime Minister
"We believe in tolerance and respect, in strong communities standing by and standing up for the weak, the sick, the helpless. We also believe in fairies, dwarves and trolls, bombing, taxing, more bombing and more taxing."
Jack Straw, Foreign Secretary
"I vow to put 'the responsibility to protect' at the heart of British foreign policy...though mainly 'the responsibility to protect' my own backside."
David Blunkett, Work and Pensions Secretary
"Hey! I might be blind, but I'm not ******* deaf . Where's everybody ****** off to?"