News Satire Spoof Parody Humour Menzies Campbell
24th November
Updated from time to time
Dumbed Down

Dumbed Down: Live coverage of the Budget

DeadBrain brings you live coverage of Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown's 2005 Budget, complete with analysis from our two resident experts.

Gordon Brown: 1701...stability and growth...world leaders...five and a quarter per cent...sixty six and a quarter per cent...trade and industry...recession...wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong again...deliberate misrepresentation.

Forecast...sunshine and showers...one and a half per cent...Japan...everybody was kung fu fighting...growth as fast as lightning...three to three and a half per cent...twice the rate, half the Mr Sheen.

Douglas Ramsbottom, political editor, says: John Prescott appears to have fallen asleep.

Volatility...imbalances...vigilant...stability and growth...sustain...inflation...interest rates...six per cent...two point four per cent...ten point four per cent...five point three per cent recurring...mortgage rates...half as much...lowest for thirty years...highest ever...wake up Prescott.

Brenda Shuttleworth, economics editor, says: I just saw Peter Hain yawn.

Best condiments in a generation...150,000 self employed, 50%, doubling, halving, tripling and quadrupling, 2 million...intractable...dominant economic issue.

Douglas Ramsbottom says: Did I just see Tony Blair pull a face?

Brenda Shuttleworth says: I think I saw that too.

French, German, American, double Dutch, two million...additional...vacancies, vacant expression...new deal, old deal, dodgy deal...jobs and skills...incapacity...lone housing...sustainable parents...bonus, jackpot, triple star prize.

Training pilot...persistent offenders...cumulatively...fourty four per cent, thirty four per cent, lower interest than ever before...1915...bills halved, ten per cent service charge...seventy five per cent new money...north east, south west, south east,
29, 28, 27, 25, 24.

Brenda Shuttleworth says: Anyone fancy a game of paper, scissors, stone?

Douglas Ramsbottom says: Sure.

France, Germany, America, Japan, Isle of Wight...balance, cycle, tricycle...minus ten plus five multiply by three and add two...golden rule, golden egg, Golden Grahams...four hundred million pounds.

Douglas Ramsbottom says: Ok, I give up, you win.

Unaffordable...consistently wrong...growth, receipts, invoices, bus tickets...last year, this year, next year, the year after...last year, this year, and each and every year ahead...strong, weak, entrenched...bonds, Brosnan, Moneypenny...rapid expansion...economic destiny...science, skills, sausages...stark economic choice...mistakes of the past...shared purpose...never again.

Douglas Ramsbottom says: I think John Prescott's nodded off again.

Stability, flexibility, inscrutability...lessen the burden...old approach, new approaches, unnecessary, necessary...best practice...light and limited...million fewer inspections...attention...wake up Prescott.

Douglas Ramsbottom says: I can hear snoring.

Gold plating...silver plates...royal crockery...Charles and Camilla...research based, science based, knowledge based...Parkinson...good night good night. Bristol, Nottingham, Birmingham, Newcastle, Manchester and York...funding incentives...time limited, one time only, sale must end Sunday at 5pm.

Brenda Shuttleworth says: Blair's looking at the ceiling again. He's definitely not listening.

Three million pounds...excellence, management, leadership...needs and priorities...sustained volatility...100% satisfaction or your money back...new coin, bad penny...ninety eight point four per cent...119 per week...interest free credit, 45% APR...two children, two little boys, Rolf Harris.

Douglas Ramsbottom says: Come on, come on, I'm desperate for a leak.

Over 22 thousand pounds...credits and liabilities...prudent course for Britain...fiscal discipline...15 hours...nearly done...tax credits...three year programme...EastEnders...one point six seven billions...capital investment...yawn...I commend this budget to the deep.

Douglas Ramsbottom and Brenda Shuttleworth say: Thank goodness for that.
AddThis Feed Button AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Comment | Print | Send to a friend
DeadBrain Offbeat: Strange but true news
Satire on your mobile phone


DeadBrain... Search... Login...