News Satire Spoof Parody Humour John Prescott
23rd October
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Big Question

The Big Question: Is there life on Mars?

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This week President Bush announced that the US would send astronauts to Mars and back to the Moon by 2010. DeadBrain asks: is there life on Mars?

Professor Gregory T Mullet, NASA
Almost certainly not, but it's important we spend billions of dollars to make sure.

Sara Cox, Radio 1 DJ
Whaddya mean, like little green men? Well it depends what you've been smoking, know what I mean?!?

George W Bush, US President
Is there life in Mars bars? I think it depends how many you eat. If you eat too many, then your teeth will begin a process of rotification, and I think we all know that's bad for you. But Mars bars mean jobs and jobs are good. And if you mean are Mars bars alive, then I think only a complete moron would say yes. They're wrapped in little airtight packets, nothing could survive in there. There's no air.

David Bowie, Musician
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?

George W Bush, US President
And if you're saying to me, 'is there oil on Mars?' then I say to you folks, I think it's about time we found out.

Tony Blair, British Prime Minister
I honestly don't think it's sensible to comment on the Mars situation until after the judge has reported, because only then will we know all the facts and then people will see that, in the totality, I have done nothing wrong. But we do, of course, back our American allies in their mission to find oil on Mars.

George W Bush, US President
You know, I heard the other day that there might even be WMD on Mars. Think about it, all those rocks and all that sand, just like Iraq. Yes, I know, it's a scary thought, isn't it? But fear not, fellow Armenians, this administration will not rest until the Martian threat is annulled, just like Britney's wedding.

Professor Colin Pillinger, Scientist
All I know for sure is that there are no living lemmings on Mars, because unfortunately something went wrong with our mission. We don't know what it is yet, but it certainly wasn't a total failure. The mission, that is. There was nothing wrong with Lemming 2 itself. There might have been lemmings on Mars already. We just don't know. We're not giving up, though. Darwin's best work on lemmings came with his second attempt.

George W Bush, US President
You mean you want to know if there's life on the planet Mars? Well why didn't you say so, for goodness sake. How am I supposed to know, anyway? I haven't been there. That's what this mission's for. Jesus.

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