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23rd October
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The Chancellor's pre-budget statement - a summary

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, made his annual pre-budget statement this afternoon in the House of Commons. The speech, which sets out the state of the economy in anticipation of next year's budget, is traditionally made as confusing as possible to ensure that nobody understands what's really going on.

In the first of a new series of articles, DeadBrain summarises the Chancellor's speech and the reaction to it so normal people can get the gist of what's going on.

Chancellor Gordon Brown

We're alright, we're alright, we're alright... Neil Kinnock... Scottish not Welsh... Brown not ginger... projections... growth... 3.4 per cent... 37 billion zillion... Scotch whiskey... mine's a large one... stability... fairness... 2 to 2.5 per cent... think of the children... I've just had one... interest rates... hiccups... like Europe... better than Europe... part of Europe... America... Japan... Iraq... we're alright... Miles report... barking mad... 2 per cent... schools and hospitals... lots of jobs... better than the Tories... boo hiss... I want to be prime minister... at least 2 per cent, maybe 3... not housing... English rugby... lucky bastards... investment... grassroots... 2 per cent... probably.

Shadow Chancellor Oliver Letwin

Utter failure... him not me... 450 billion zillion pounds... 900 per cent... chips for tea... 2 per cent... having a laugh... red tape... pledges broken... spending... failing... asylum seekers... 20 million per cent... not having it... get out... useless... him, obviously... 2 per cent... you get the idea.

Liberal Democrat spokesman David Laws

Oh no... can't be having that... gimmicks... red tape... top rate of income tax... solve everything... stop laughing... yes I can see you... 2 per cent... 32 per cent... 37 billion pounds... proportional representation... no, please wake up... Vanessa Carlton... nice arse... 2 per cent... that'll do.

Prime Minister Tony Blair

Hear hear... nod nod... la la la... you can't hear me if I mumble... you're not going to be PM... yeah, whatever Gordon.

Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott

Snore... huh, what... snore... hungry... snore... hurry up Gordon... yawn.

BBC Political Editor Andrew Marr

Very exciting... what I expected... I was right... very exciting.

BBC Economics Editor Evan Davies

Also very exciting... let me talk... I was right as well... very exciting.

Property Expert Kirstie Allsopp

Woolly jumpers... housing market... woah, get off... duffle coats... leave us alone... 2 per cent... scarves... maybe.

General Public spokesman Douglas Ramsbottom

Huh? What?
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